blerg - “The sound of many negative emotions in one word.” that’s my new favorite word courtesy of Liz Lemon - sooo glad 30 Rock is back btw! if it wasn’t we wouldn’t have had the profound observation that “if reality tv has taught us anything, it’s that you can’t keep people with no shame down.” hahahahahahaha! (guess that explains why they’re filming dog the bounty hunter again, which actually is no laughing matter.)

blerg is also what i have to say about being a month behind in blogging! blerrg!! here’s the problem, house hunting took over my life. it was a miserable experience overall i have to say. i thought several times during the process that i should have started a whole new blog about it, but it would have been too stressful for me to write, and justkeeprenting.com would be no fun for anybody to read. long story short.. if all goes well (that would be a BIG IF btw) we close on the 30th.

and speaking of people who have no shame, here’s something else i almost missed..

this was taken after the miss usa pageant or something where his girlfriend / contestant, who you’ll notice is ironically wearing almost no jewelry at all, didn’t win and he went off. he yelled at everybody including donald trump - that part i’m ok with - and made quite a spectacle of himself. actually i’m ok with all of it.. knowing that criss angel’s downward spiral is officially underway makes me feel all warm inside!

what i didn’t miss is, “there will be milkshakes.” i mean, “there will be blood.” and just to state the obvious, Daniel Day-Lewis ROCKS!

i’m sure there’s lots that i have missed lately.. i wish i would have missed the end of rock of love II - ugh! so here’s the overdue, abridged version of my opinion on the whole train wreck.. with everything we learned about daisy, she’s been on her own since she was 16, her idiot boyfriend convinced her to become a stripper at 19, he got her knocked up, she got an abortion, she ALMOST has an excuse for her behavior and for her life. Ambre on the other hand was raised by a good ole’ southern family who taught her some values, she’s a big phony, who’s MY AGE for cryin’ out loud which means she’s old enough to know better than to run around lookin’ like a hooker and showing a washed up rockstar her couchie on tv!!
anyway.. i think he didn’t choose daisy because he knew she really WAS in love with him and ambre was just there for shameless self-promotion and he wanted to be able to get out of it asap. how else could he justify rock of love III ?! L-A-M-E !!watched the reunion tonight and i was proud of denver daisy for speaking her peace, and for being right about it. unfortunately that hellion heather made it impossible to get a straight answer out of bret by beating you about the head repeatedly. that dick sucker whore bag! anyway, i’m just glad it’s over; i feel cleaner, the sky seems bluer, the air seems fresher. besides i’ve moved on… i’ve watched a couple marathons of past seasons of america’s top model! it’s actually a lot less lame that i would have expected, and i’m pretty sure i now know everything i need to know to become a super model, which would probably make buying a house much easier, having a much bigger budget and all!

i’m sure there’s truck loads more that i did miss.. feel free to fill me in. i’ll be busy moving.. =( BLERG!!

(a) that title has nothing to do with anything, just a quote i heard today that seems poignantly relevant to.. well, my life really.

(b) I KNOW !! i know it has been weeks, nearly months since i last blogged and i left up that hideous picture of, yikes, criss angel. i’ve been busy, ok? and i’ve explained before that sometimes i just get blogged out, and this has been a really bad case of blog-itis, ok?

it probably has something to do with the fact that i am still sooo not into celeb gossip, and i’m totally burnt out on the whole election debacle.

but as long as i’m here.. let’s see.. what’s on the menu today?…

oh, while i should issue an official thank you to the writers for settling their strike in time to bring back at least a few episodes of a few shows before season’s end. however, it’s somewhat too little too late, the damage is done. i am not proud to admit it but i am undeniably hooked on Rock of Love II, and i have to say the last two episodes have been stellar!

I thought the party was over when Angelique left, but then there was the ongoing saga of Kristy Jo. I was neither a KJ fan nor a hater, but I did love the way she had of pushing those hookers’ buttons! So when she left on her own terms (misguided though they may be) I said, game over, Kristy Jo just won! She really did rock Bret’s world and break his heart, because come on, neither of them are good enough actors to have pulled off that goodbye scene if it hadn’t been somewhat as Bret would say “heartfelt.” So the rest of those girls are now playing for second place at best! And Megan, left standing there with a slightly worse look on her face than she usually has (she always looks like she smells something fowl). I am a Megan-hater so this to me was priceless.

Then there was this week’s episode. If you haven’t seen it yet, you’re in for such a treat - we meet the ex’s! Best of all we meet Daisy’s ex, Charles, and never have I seen a couple more made for each other (except maybe Bret & Heather). And meeting Heather sooo makes me wish I would have been there for RoL-I.

So today we were reviewing info & opinions about the show on televisionwithoutpity.com, where somebody had posted stuff about Daisy & how she used to go by Daisy Graves when she was in her boyfriend Edward’s band, “Seraphim Shock” (yeah, i don’t know). the post went on to include part of an article about the band where Daisy said she was a stripper at Shotgun Willie’s and how they had opened for Poison at Fiddler’s Green and how CC Deville was trying to get in her pants. And I thought.. wait a minute, aren’t both those places (shotgun willies & fiddler’s green) in DENVER?!? So we did some investigating, aka googling, and found the article that they referenced - it was in WESTWORD a local weekly events & lifestyle paper. But let’s not jump to the obvious conclusion.. So we googled Seraphim Shock, and of course found their MySpace page, which is also good for a laugh, btw - it’s heading reads, “Seraphim Shock - Denver, Colorado.” HOLY CRAP, Daisy’s from Denver!!

I can feel the property value of the house I have yet to buy dropping (that’s why i’ve been so busy if you must know - house hunting, is very stressful.).

the Westword article described Daisy, whose real name is not Daisy De La Hoya (guess she’s not Oscar’s niece after all), OR Daisy Grave, but Vanessa Mossman like this :
“Beside him is Daisy Grave, the group’s new bassist, and she looks, well, kind of like Daisy Duke if she had died and been dug up.”

hahahahahahahahahaha! and that was before she fucked up her face!

And by the way, the article is from 2004 and Edward mentions that he is 34! And I’m not going to call that old because I was also 34 in 2004, but seriously?? Time to give up the dream, dude, lose the soul patch and the botox (and the wife beater and wrist band while you’re at it) and get a job!

Ok, I’m done with that for now, but look out because next week they’re going to vegas and throwing stuff at Daisy’s head apparently! I can’t wait ’til sunday!

speaking of kookiness in colorado, there’s been plenty of that lately. we were determined to be “the most dangerously drunk state.” –woohoo! we’re number one! we’re number one! and in order to maintain our status it’s been on the news a lot lately that they’re trying to pass a bill or whatever to allow the sale of wine in grocery stores and to allow the sale of alcohol on sundays! god bless america!

oh and today i heard that leading the nation in suicides is las vegas. ok that makes sense. and 2nd?.. colorado springs! huh?! ok springers, you may want to focus a little less on the family (inside joke), and your rampant religious-right homophobia, and help people with their depression and self-esteem issues. just a suggestion.. denver was 8th on the list, btw. i bet most of those people were trying to buy a house.

just kidding! ok sorry, that was possibly in poor taste. guess i’m out of practice!

WTF?! Dude, when your image consultant said “you should probably get yourself a beard,” this is not what they had in mind!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

[photo courtesy: OhNoTheyDidnt]

and by week i mean since the last time i blogged, in this case coincidentally really was a week…

• Sawyer to Crazy John Lock after hearing that John was following the orders of “taller ghost Walt,” (and that’s a hilarious quote in itself) - “..and you didn’t ask any follow up questions?!”

hahahahahahahahaha!! Sawyer, this is why we love you! i wouldn’t go so far as to say you are the voice of reason on LOST but you are often the voice of the few reasonable people still watching this show. do you know how many times we have yelled that at the television while watching this lunacy? i say Sawyer for president! or at least he should overthrow doctor Jack ass on the island.

• Aubrey to Bret Michaels to qualify her statement that she is a really, really, really observant person - “I’m a karaoke host, I know people.”

hahahahahahahahaha! i don’t even know what that means but it’s hilarious! and she meant that shit when she said it! it was almost as funny as her falling on her sword for kristy jo and blubbering about the amazing gift she just gave when she wasn’t gettin’ a pass anyway!

• Me to my knitting teacher, ten minutes into the first class - “Knitting is hard.”

okay this isn’t really funny because it’s true! i did manage to knit & pearl my way thru my whole skein of yarn (and even learn a little lingo), but ummm, well, knitting is hard.

i’m learning to super knit today! yay!

ok, that might be an overstatement.. more accurately i’m taking a knitting class. it’s two hours this evening and two hours next tuesday. we’ll see how it goes…

btw, there has been tons of legal drama surrounding britney in the last two days - restraining orders, accusations, disputes over who the conservator of her estate is, and even who her actual attorneys are at this point. but i’m off the britney train (wreck), at least for now. i hope the girl is getting the help she needs.

what?!! i’m not completely without compassion! geesh!

– you didn’t think i was going to talk about the presidential primary did you?
(i’m not even willing to say “go o’bama,” because, let’s face it, sometimes my support is the kiss of death. but i am NOT taking responsibility for the patriots, they survived my bad juju three previous times so clearly it’s giselle’s fault!)

so two pieces of the most SUPER gossip were sent to me…

first, from page 6 of the new york post, apparently people in the food service industry maintain a database of notoriously bad tippers, appropriately called the “shitty tipper database,” on bitterwaitress.com on which you’ll find David Lee Roth, Cohutta from the real world sydney, and lots of other just plain, unfamous people. but who ranks as “the worst ‘celebrities’ to wait on”?.. “Scandal-scarred bounty hunter Duane “The Dog” Chapman.. and his wife“!! awesome! they reportedly dined at tgifriday’s in honolulu w/a party of 6, the tab was just over $250, the tip a 10 spot! classy!

according to one bitter waitress, “They are very high-maintenance, they expect to be given the celebrity royalty treatment, treat service industry people like slaves . . . and give less than 5 percent.” Chapman could not be reached for comment. I’m surprised they still go out in public!
[okay, on a side note and in NO way to defend the chapmans, the lowest tip i have EVER left was at that VERY SAME tgi friday’s in honolulu. the waitress was HORRIBLE, really rude when she was around at all! at some point she literally flung the “doggie bag” container of food we asked to take home on the table as she walked by without even slowing down. so when we fiiiinally got the check we rounded up to the next dollar, literally leaving her nothing but change. and as we were almost out the door she walked up behind us and yelled, “don’t you want your change?!” omg! we were so pissed! we told the manager, he apologized, yada yada. then we found out from a friend of a friend who worked there that the waitress from hell had given notice, and that was like her last weekend, so she just didn’t give a crap. but that means, i know that the dog didn’t have to deal with her, so there’s likely no excuse.]

second, speaking of the chapmans going OUT in PUBLIC.. from the Andrew Luster Justice Forum (andrew luster is, the max factor guy who dog and his sick puppies bounty hunted in mexico to make a name for himself. but bounty hunting is illegal in mexico so the dog, & the perv, & i think leland got arrested, then ironically jumped bail, and you know the rest of the story..):
“ENQUIRER EXCLUSIVE, NEW ‘DOG’ SEX SCANDAL”
– Tim Chapman Prior Sex Offense Conviction Revealed
– Tim Chapman admits to indecent exposure charge.

ooooh, this is gonna be good, i can tell:
“The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively that Tim was previously arrested and charged with indecent exposure to minors and adults. He was jailed after being observed masturbating behind a tree while watching four young women play tennis in Colorado… After pleading “guilty” and then “no contest” to the charges, Chapman skipped out on court-ordered community service [he SKIPPED?! really?! just like the “scumbags” he “apprehends” now. interesting!] before being jailed on Jan. 7, 1988. He was released on Feb. 23, fined court costs of $88 and was ordered to perform 24 hours of community service.“

so mr. pervy mcmastrubator has a record.. shocking! it goes on to report, “IN A HANDWRITTEN APOLOGY letter to the court, Chapman wrote: “I have learned a lesson and do not plan on seeing the inside of a jail ever again…Since my crime, I have been married, and I love my wife very much. I cannot explain why I did what I did, but I can rest easy knowing that I have worked out my problem through my wife and Jesus Christ.” Tim is currently separated from his second wife, Davina.”

so now, except for any future bad press, i hope its safe to say we’ve seen the last of the chapmans! they’re jesus’ problem now!

hahahahahahahahahahaha!!

now the question is… do i have an overactive sense of schadenfreud?
wait… do i care? hmm.. nope, i’m already going to hell so what’s the difference?!

well the game was certainly less than super, at least until the last two minutes or so. and the Patriots lost, that sucked. but why am i, traditionally a big fan of the underdog, disappointed that the big-time, highly-favored, dynasty-dinosaur, brady bunch lost?? my reasons are three fold:

(1) we became fans of the pats back during super bowl 36 or 37, whenever john won his first big gaudy ring. they were playing st. louis i think, and after all of their players were introduced, they announced that the new england patriots wished to be “introduced as a team.” and since we’re girls, we said awhhh, and decided we were rooting for them! [you’ll notice that for years now, presumably since then, individual players do NOT get introduced. nobody wants to look like assholes, there’s no I in team after all!]

(2) marty’s favorite team is the patriots (remember marty?[sigh] i miss marty.. i miss hockey.), of course, he’s from boston, so i know when the patriots win marty is happy. and if marty’s happy, i’m happy! although i can’t say i’m so happy about him having retired and becoming the donut king of florida, but i digress..

(c) it would have been nice to witness history. besides its not like the giants are anybody’s underdogs, no new york team is ever truly an underdog (except the islanders). it wasn’t like it was their first time around the super block!

anywhoo.. what’s done is done, but here are some observations of other key elements of the big game:

• when did pro football players get so metrosexual? regardless, i think this explains the next issue, which is..
• since when is there “red-carpet coverage” for the frickin’ super bowl?!! with ryan seacrest?? really?!!
• best commercial - the budweiser clydesdales, when the dalmatian helped the horse who didn’t make the team ala rocky. very cute! there were a few others that were pretty funny but i’ve already forgotten them so obviously they weren’t that good.
• how come i know every word to every song that tom petty & the heartbreakers sing? i had no idea..
• the real winners - the puppies. PUPPY BOWL IV on animal planet was awesome! far more exciting than the football game. seriously, it’s the best damn thing ever!

..does this girl ever sleep?

so i had to take a sick day and a half earlier this week - i was back on my back but apparently CRAZY never takes a day off! a friend called at like 2 in the morning assuming i would be up on britney watch, i had however taken some advil pm and fell asleep lying on an ice pack and missed the whole shubang - the drama, the tears, the shrieking, the police, the ambulance, the manic-depressiveness of it all. i slept thru “total meltdown II” aka “5150 2.0″

but as most sequels, it seems much less exciting.

surprisingly, as far as i know, she’s still in the looney bin at this point with that sam fellow calling the shots.

we’ll see how it goes…

PS: i once slept thru an actual hurricane in hawaii; so sleeping through hurricane britney is no big deal i guess.

that’s smurf-tastic!

well, the police were called to Britney’s house again last night. here’s how it allegedly went down…

she was in the car with that sam lutfi guy, former manager slash hanger-oner, as they approached her house she suddenly got out of the car crying, carrying her poor yorkie named london (Brit must have got that british accent from the dog), and uncharacteristically asking the paparazzi to leave her alone, which of course they did not. she sat down on the curb crying, supposubly called Adnan, her boyfriend slash stalker, begging “baby, can you come pick me up.” but before he arrived she had gone inside and when he got there he was denied entry. he tried calling all SIX of Brit’s cell phones but no luck. he was getting text messages from Sam that because he is a “manic trigger” for Brit he needs to leave her alone. [ah-ha!! that’s intervention speak.] so the police were called to the premises either to get him to leave or to get all the paparazzi to back off because of course they were swarming and so were the helicopters by now.

oh! funny story… last time the choppers were overhead, nearby neighbor, george clooney said he thought there must be some escaped convict roaming the hood. he was a little concerned. then when he learned his proximity to britney’s house, he was a lot concerned, he apparently had no idea and reportedly is now planning to move - soon!

anyway.. back to the crazy.. so it had already been reported that Britney’s mom, Lynn, and dad, Jamie (hence the name and fate of poor little, Jamie Lynn Spears) were both in town - odd since Brit has had nothing to do with either of them of late. well, they were both at her house, as was her best friend slash cousin, Alli.

so personally, i think it’s INTERVENTION time! and obviously they wouldn’t want Adnan, the leech slash bipolar-enabler to be there. tho apparently they did eventually let him in - i’m guessing they caved in to Brit on the issue, which does not bode well for their intervention technique - plus they took her to Long’s Drugs and while I personally really miss shopping at Long’s Drugs, I’m pretty sure you can’t get PROZAC over the counter, at least not yet. so we’ll see how it goes…

oh.. funny story.. turns out jeff vandickhead, one of the primary interventionists on the show “intervention,” is not even an addict — he’s just a churchy!!! he got his training at some church program! what a crock! and i thought i couldn’t hate him more. but that does explain why he seems drunk himself half the time.

–you didn’t think i was going to discuss the presidential address did you???