Have you ever wondered what that annoying guy on the Dell Computer commercials does in his spare time? Neither have I, but now I know.. He, or some guy who looks very much like him, goes around knocking on doors after midnight and perpetrating various misdemeanors like disturbing the peace, indecent exposure, public intoxication, etc. I know because yesterday he came to my door. It was about 12:15 last night when there was a knock on my door. I found this both peculiar and unsettling. I tiptoe to the door, which in retrospect seems silly since my dog, Kylie (who’s famous by the way).
is barking her little head off. I didn’t recognize the guy, but he didn’t look like he was going away so I open the door just a crack. “Uhh..Umm.. I was uhh looking for somebody. I guess I got the wrong place.” I’ll admit my reply was perhaps a tad bitchy. “Good job.” I said and abruptly shut the door. Fifteen minutes later – knock, knock, knock. I had no intention of answering the door this time, especially when I looked out the peak hole and saw the same guy who now had a friend with him, the Dell computer guy! Okay it wasn’t really him, this guy looked even less intelligent, but there was a resemblance. So now it was clear they were ganging up on me and since they were aware that this was the wrong place I could only assume that they were looking for trouble. They found it. They continued knocking, the dog continued barking, something had to be done. “911, What’s your emergency?” A little extreme you say? Maybe so, but I figured that would definitely take care of the problem. Besides, you just never know what people are gonna do, as I mentioned people here are jackasses. But my roommate had an even better idea. She thought maybe one of them lives here and we will need to let management know that they were knocking on doors at midnight. She breaks out the digital camera, opens the door and FLASH. Well that got their attention. They were shouting that it is illegal and “federally prosecutable” to take their picture. One of them informed us that he was sure of that because his brother was an attorney. I didn’t bother to explain to them that (a) this is America, everybody films everybody, (b) they knocked on my door, I could pretty much do what I wanted, and (3) he may have an attorney for a brother, but I watch three episodes of Law & Order a day, I know the law. Of course all this was accompanied by profanity, f*%#k you b!#%h, suck my d$#k, etc, etc. My roommate was dealing with this, trying to explain to them where they had gone wrong, while I was giving a play-by-play to the 911 operator. Then Dell boy did it… he gave the national “I’m a moron” gesture, he dropped his drawers. Then they departed, wandering aimlessly towards the next building, still looking for the party when the police arrived to make things really interesting. Three patrol cars showed up – I guess there were no meth labs to bust last night. Eventually two very polite officers came in and asked for our account of the events. They obviously found it to be very insignificant until we mentioned the “mooning,” and suddenly they were interested. I guess Dumb & Dumber left that part out when they told the story. The policeman actually asked my roommate, “And were you offended by that?” {No, I occasionally enjoy getting a good look at what can be one of the least appealing parts of the male anatomy.} We provided the police with a printout of the picture to let them know which one said what and which one was the flasher. So they went back to interrogate the perps some more (that’s Law & Order lingo). Of course I’m peaking thru the blinds the whole time, and see them having to blow into that little tube. Ruuh-row! The kind occifer then returned to tell us that not only were they both quite intoxicated (surprise, surprise), they were also both under-aged. Beauuutiful! And since they would not be permitted to drive they were going to “de-tox.” He asked if we would like to press any further charges, but we told him that it sounds like that should be sufficient punishment to suit the crime. Eventually we watched them be put in separate patrol cars, handcuffs and all. It was all very exciting! And I know some of you are thinking .. ‘geez, what a bitch.’ But, well.. but nothing, I guess I am a bitch. But you have to fight testosterone with testosterone, and let me tell you once in awhile it is nice to be she who laughs last – and laughs, and laughs, and laughs. So that you can fully enjoy and appreciate this story I am sharing the now infamous picture of the dynamic duo. It’s a classic!

Look for their upcoming appearance on C*O*P*S.