So it has taken me a whole week to recover from the Sopranos season opener - and if you saw it, you know why! Holy crap! There was some speculation that Tony was going to get whacked but who would’ve believed it! And some people are now predicting he’ll be in the hospital for two episodes and then things will be back to normal. Here’s what I think.. I think we will start tonight (5 hours from now to be precise) in the recent past, like 18 months ago or so and we will be spending potentially the rest of the season on the events leading up to the traumatic events of episode 1, leaving Tony bleeding on the kitchen floor the whole time. That is pretty much the worse case scenario I can think of - just not knowing if he’s dead or alive. I’m hoping that since I was able to come up with this theory that David Chase has something less predictable in store. But I was already right about one thing.. I said before last week’s episode that what was going to be worse than waiting a year and a half for this season to start would be waiting for episode 2 after seeing episode 1! I could go on for days about the genius of David Chase (I am so his bitch). But for now I’ll just point out that it’s amazing that he always makes you really feel for a person right before having them whacked. I mean we barely knew this Gene fellow, but how sympathetic were you to his situation before he hanged himself? And then there’s Adrianna, they spent weeks getting us invested in her agonizing over her dilema. Even Ralphie, a dispicable fuck stick like Ralphie, they turn his son into a vegetable, have him apologize to Ro and set up a college fund, right before they put his head into a bowling ball bag so you almost feel torn. And I don’t think he was even responsible for the Pie O’My fire. Anyway, dead or alive, good or bad, it’s brilliant!

But what I really wanted to do today was introduce my new feature.. Drive In Reviews! One friday evening last summer we were especially bored, looking for something to do and discovered the best thing ever - there’s a functioning Drive In theater in Denver! We were pretty much there almost every weekend after that and were so depressed in early October when they closed for the season. Well the new season began this weekend! We got three movies and possibly pneumonia for the low, low price of $9. So I have decided to provide my perspective and opinion of the features as well as the experience as a whole for those of you unfortunate souls with no drive in available. So here’s my first installment.

For our first trip to the lovely Cinderella Drive In of the season we chose the triple feature on Screen 2: Fun with Dick & Jane, Date Movie, & Underworld 2. We chose screen 2 because screen 1 was showing Eight Below and I heard not all the dogs survive and that is not what I consider entertainment (Where the Red Fern Grows scarred me for life), and Paul Walker is just about the worst thing to happen to Hollywood since… (insert some other terrible actor here). And the second show was the Chronicles of Narnia which we saw in the theatre, which was fantastic. So anyway, Fun with Dick & Jane was in fact pretty fun. No complaints really except that it started to rain pretty significantly, and oh yeah it was about 35 degrees so we were keeping the back door of the CRV (have I mentioned we got a CRV last year) closed and just watching out the window in the back. We’ve got quite a set-up, we move the futon mattress into the back and fill it up with pillows and blankets and junk food. But rain was coming in so we tried to watch thru the window but that was getting difficult and the windshield wiper is way too distracting! So, we took the strap off the little cooler we take the sodas in and used it to McGuyver the back window half way open so it shielded the rain and we could still see all but part of the top of the screen. But hey, Rule #1 of the Drive In is, the drive in is about the “experience” not the cinema, so if you can’t quite see the full screen oh well. Anyway.. it was an enjoyable movie as long as you are not a former employee of Enron. I’d give it a B-.
Second was Date Movie, but since I despise spoofs, and M was really tired and oh yeah, we were freezing, we drove to the snack bar instead of walked, where I loaded up on crap which for the most part is just as expensive as the regular theater but since we get a “discount” on the admission price we don’t feel too bad spending a little and since you’re there like 5-6 hours you tend to get hungry. besides that is an integral part of the “experience”. Then we stayed at the back facing the other screen and I watched half of Narnia while M & kylie slept. Oh yeah, Kylie gets to go too - why else would we go - and she has a great time with the stray cats running around plus the movie snacks! Speaking of snacks the corn dog, strangely the cheapest thing on the menu, was quite tasty! And even tho I didn’t watch Date Movie, I’m going to give it an F.
Then there was Underworld 2, which may have actually been worse than Underworld 1. Kate Beckinsale sure seems pleased with herself considering I read she has the worst boobs in Hollywood. Boy these movies are crap! But you know what’s waaay worse? Van Helsing! Staring who? Oh yeah, Kate Beckinsale, who sounds like she’s about to climax thru the whole thing (I’m not recommending watching it, but if you do now that I’ve pointed it out you’ll hear it). Underworld 2 gets an F-, btw and yes I can put a minus after an F it’s my rating system.
So to recap, while the features got a failing score and we nearly froze, remember Rule #1… there were no screaming children, and nobody smoking in the next car, the corn dog wasn’t cold in the middle, we did not suffer from asphyxia even tho it was so cold we had to periodically turn the engine on to run the heater, Kylie enjoyed herself and a good time was had by all. And most importantly the long wait for the season was over so I’ll give it an A+!

PS: I need to ammend the rules because It’s all about the “experience,” should actually be rule #2. Rule #1 has to be ALWAYS start the car between movies and let it run as long as you can! We learned this one the hard way!