Dear Rob & Amber,
If somebody had told me four weeks ago, even four months ago when I found out you pathetic, fame whores were going to be on The Amazing Race AGAIN, that I would be so unenthusiastic when you were unexpectedly eliminated, I would have said they were high. But they would have been correct. Don’t get me wrong, it is a huge relief to have you gone, but thanks to that guy with both nipples pierced (ehww!), what’s his name?? - eric?, acting like such a douche last week that even you noticed, Rob, (and let’s face it - at the point that you are pointing out that somebody else is being obnoxious, it’s a sad state of affairs); and thanks to the fact that Mirna is the devil, I was really not nearly as excited to hear those magical words from Phil, “I’m sorry to tell you, you’ve both been eliminated from the race” as I should’ve / could’ve / would’ve been. So once again you two have robbed me, and now because you can’t spell PHILIPPINES, I am going to have to listen to Chmirna expound on how it was karma, and that you two got eliminated strictly and specifically because you lied to them. Fantastic.
Thanks. Thanks a lot. Thanks again for fucking with my life. If it was within my means I would give you a million dollars to stay off my television - forever! Since that’s not the case please do the world a favor, before you apply to be on Deal or No Deal , stop milking it and go get jobs for christ sake!
Sincerely,
~g
ps: It is within my means to give you $50 bucks to send me a copy of the letter you got from that bitter shrew and her mentally unstable son. And since you’re out of work again - I think you should consider it.
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Dear Charla & Mirna,
There are no words. Wait… some are coming to me… Histrionic Crap Weasels! That’s what you are. And I’m not the only one who thinks so, I actually borrowed that term, first coined by somebody on a message board the last time we were subjected to you and your collective cuntiness. (That’s right, I said it!) I did not know it was possible for people of any size to be so hateful, so vile, so disgusting, so crap weasel-ish! You truly are amazing!
Mirna, I’m pretty sure you are worse than your little counterpart, especially at the point that you are on camera claiming that you have to do more than anyone in the history of the race to compensate for Charla’s “short-comings”. Charla who does EVERYTHING! Charla who literally carried a side of beef on her back because you couldn’t. Charla who you sit beside and say that other teams are going to hell for considering her less of a competitor. And you actually used the word “short-comings”!! You are such a hideous BITCH! I don’t know why it surprises me that you are a lawyer, I’ve met some pretty crap-weaselie lawyers in my time, but you are so incredibly ignorant it’s hard to believe. But what is even more surprising, shocking even, is that I just found out you’re married! I just can’t wrap my head around that one, but I digress..
Charla, if you think you are exempt because of your “special ability” or your “handi-capableness” or whatever.. fuck you! You are as repugnant as any full-sized person I have ever met. And what the hell are you talking about? We just kept trying our hardest not to be last, when it finally mattered we made it out of last place, or whatever nonsense you were rambling on about at the pit stop in one of your grandiose performances for the cameras, pretending to be the ambassador for little people everywhere. You are in the same place you have been in at the end of every leg so far - NEXT TO LAST!
And thanks a lot for ruining Rob & Amber’s elimination for me, because after last night I would have gladly tollerated the two of them for several more weeks if we could have gotten rid of you two. Both of you please do the world a favor, stop speaking broken english, stop shreeeeking like a couple of harpies and just die now!
Sincerely,
~g
ps: i’ll give you $50 bucks for a copy of the letter that the loser pizza guys sent you.